My New Boyfriend Evan Understands Me, Not Like You Craig
I had my final breakup with Dipshit Craig last Saturday at what was supposed to be "positive body image" brunch with my cousin and her landlord/lover, but ended up with me smearing my breakfast burrito all over Craig's Kia Sportage as he drove off.
When I say "final breakup," please understand my inviolate breakup rules: first breakup is for makeup (and the sex-with-crying that comes after); second breakup is to make sure we are serious about "us" and could get engaged; third breakup is he just didn't get me and I am blocking him on Tinder, Bumble and LinkedIn.
Craig was the third boyfriend the past year who kept making it all about him and his physical "desires" and not about our plans for a big house and how I would decorate it, and our two kids and how cute they would be, but not twins, because I don't want to get so stretched out that I could never wear a midriff again.
Thank Goodness for Prime Shipping! My new boyfriend, or should I say "bear-friend" arrived in two days - Evan is 39 inches of loving MorisMos Giant Teddy Bear! (I named him Evan because he is just so... Evanny!) Evan was ready not only to cuddle and listen, but also he got me. He said that drunk-texting Craig was not what a smart young woman, one who is hoping to advance from her shitty receptionist job to the six figure salary of "The Barbies," the Pharmaceutical Sales Reps I answer calls for now, would do.
They say this teddy bear is a gift that is “perfect for anyone you love.” That was great to hear as I love myself. I love myself. I love myself. I do. I can say that because I have had so many failed relationships that now when I send an email pleading for help to the relationship columnists at the women's magazines, it generates auto-responses that all say-- I need to love myself! So Evan is the perfect way I can love myself, by making him love me.
Who needs stupid fat-face Craig and all his talk about his job as a public defender, and helping his brother who's in a wheelchair from some war, and how he went with his Church group and they got running water in a village of dying babies?! Not when I have a humongous smiling teddy bear waiting at home to greet me with a smile?
My favorite weekend thing with Evan is our tea party brunch. Since my cousin won't let me bring him to a restaurant, we do it in my kitchen. Evan is a very polite boyfriend and loves my cooking. (And I forgive him when he drops some crumbs or spills a little of his third mimosa.) However, yesterday I caught him staring at one of the slutty rich Barbie Dolls at my tea party. Yes... I invited them just to test him.
After they left, he got down on his paws and knees and apologized, explaining that he is just a bear and he has needs. So I had to teach him a little lesson with some tough love. And Evan took it, like a man! He didn't complain when I slapped, punched, and kicked him or called him a stupid bear! He didn't fight back after I threw a plate at him. He didn't call me a crazy bitch, or run home and talk shit about me to his friends. No, Evan thanked me and promised he wouldn't do it again... unless I wanted him too. God, I love him!!!
Ignoring my mother's phone calls so I can finish this review, and using Amazon Prime Rib's rating scale for boyfriends, I give Evan 3 out of 5 Bezos. I would give him all five but that might make him feel better about himself and you know what happens with guys and their egos. I am tired of being told I am the problem.