Pocket Torah?! That's one B-Old Testament of Faith!
I’m basically a single mother.
I mean, I just divorced the 12 year old schmuck's father but he's still present as a silent fart: you can smell him, he lingers too long when he picks the kid up, and it’s unpleasant all ways around.
I purchased this Pocket Edition Torah for my son so that he wouldn’t be setting it down places and forgetting it, like he did with the normal-sized book. Bastard takes after his father with the worthless memory, but as I’ve been charged with his physical and now spiritual upbringing, whatever that means, here we are. Put everything that happened before Jesus in your pocket, smartypants!
I’ve purchased 10 different Torahs since he started to study for the Bar Mitzvah!!! Ten! And he only started a couple months ago! The boy says he wants to be a man, but I think that means he wants to be able to pay for better porn than what he's able to find with all the parental controls I have set. Let me just say - his father is 45 and has the emotional and mental intelligence of an 8-year-old.
The boy lost the first Torah I bought when he left it on a stoop on W 88th Street over by Trevor Day School, because he stopped to tie his shoe. He sets it down, ties his shoe, stands up and keeps walking. I don’t know how he hasn’t fallen into traffic. It's all I can do not to push him into it!
The fourth one he left on the train. His sixth he traded for Pokemon cards with some other idiot who lost his Torah, just like my ex lost half our savings. One he gave to some homeless guy near Times Square, because he didn't want to give him change.
The tenth copy I gave him he actually told me that he put it in a trash can because he got mustard on it. Maybe he thinks I’ll just pull him out of Hebrew School, but it’s not going to happen. I need the break two afternoons a week while he’s trying to sound like a falafel sandwich maker. Also, I am not going to give his grandmother, my ex-mother in law, the satisfaction of being able to say “Oh, well, we all knew you were a bad Jew. You dated 3 different races before coming back home!" Oy vey with her! How's that for being a Jew? Next stop for these loins? That quiet ginger stock analyst on the fourth floor who I noticed orders a lot of soap for sensitive skin.
The boy’s birth lasted 17 hours. His head was the same size then that it is now. I knew right away what type of child he was going to be because I’d already been living with that type of child for five years (his father). The man (child) managed to run a successful business into the ground and lost two jobs last year (I wonder if he left them on the subway or on the sidewalk too).
So I figured why not try something else with a "Pocket Torah?" I added zippers to his back pocket so before he leaves, we put the thing in his pocket, zip it up and I put a lock on it. Should put some zippers and locks on his side pockets too, keep him from playing with himself all the time. Little filthy monster.
The only person with the key to the back pocket is the Rabbi and we have an arrangement so he’ll lock it back up at the end of class. Don’t get me started on the Rabbi. He’s handsy (wouldn’t give him the keys to the front pockets) and the beard needs a trim, it stinks like a deli on a hot Sunday.
So far no problems, and I’ve got back my two afternoons a week to relax into a cocktail for a few hours without a man to disturb me.
Look, it's not sacrilegious to give a Torah a 4 Bezos out of 5. I'm not reviewing the writing in it. (I mean, you want me to rate Leviticus? Don't get me started! Can you give negative Bezos, because some passages are sinkholes.) No, with a 4, I'm rating the hand-feel, the quality of paper, the way the Pocket Torah feels in my hand when I smack the kid on the head with it... What I wouldn't give for the original tablets of Moses, that would knock some sense into him!