American-Made Gonads! These Balls Don't Run!

American-Made Gonads! These Balls Don't Run!

  • Actual Size, Ladies and Gents- These balls be 7.8" X 4.4" X 1.8" 
  • Made in America by Americans, not Cheap Chinese Plastic Balls
  • Metal Coated, Brass Colored

Yeah, go ahead and laugh at me. People have been doing it for years. But it was totally unclear to me that these gonads are meant to attach to the rear of a pickup truck or similar vehicle.  I really wish that they had been clearer about this. 

Why would a person hang testes from the back of their vehicle?  It makes no sense!  Do cars reproduce like mammals?  Is a Trans-Am transgender? What is the person hanging them trying to say or covering a lack of? I know what I am trying to make up for.

Now, it’s a little embarrassing, but people have been laughing at me for a few years now, so I'm used to it.  You see, I purchased these testicles to replace my original testicles,  the ones that I no longer have.  I lost my balls in a terrible pogo-stick accident a few years ago.

It's true. You can't make this stuff up!  I’m a street performer who travels performing at cultural festivals and county fairs in my local region. One day I was performing with my group, “Po-Go For It” and my stick landed on a half-eaten funnel cake.  A series of seven unfortunate twists and slides as I tried to control my stick (and as seen on youtube over 5 million times) starting at that cake and finishing in the axe-throwing booth led to a tragedy that could have been even more tragic. 

(BTW -The title of the video is World's Funniest Vasectomy, which I don't find funny, because it wasn't really a vasectomy.  It was a castration.  If they called it World's Funniest Castration, then maybe I would watch it.)

It wasn't long before I began to miss the presence of my "boys."  Besides the lack of nocturnal emissions, what was worse was their disappearance affected my pogo stick performance.  I wasn't the same man with his stick as I once was.  Not only was I sad, I was weak, listless, I had lost my bounce.   I tried home remedies: peach pits, bouncy balls, a single avocado, cut in two, two avocados, balloons filled with sand, but nothing worked.  

I was about to give up the pogo stick and see if any Royal Court in Europe had need for a eunuch when I stumbled across what I now know to be called “truck nuts,” a name which I assumed erroneously had nothing to do with trucks. I thought maybe the term “truck” was some sort of new slang for the goochy pooch, the huevos, the hacky sack, the family jewels.   I don’t keep up with these things man, I’m just out here living the street performer life, you know?   And I was desperate.

The joy and happiness I was expecting to have became a kick in my phantom nuts. In my zeal to find the best way to attach them, I rigged them to my person using a harness and a series of straps, but realized after performing with them and knocking the wind out of myself when these American Made brass balls flew up into my stomach, that they were too heavy to manage.

I destroyed THREE jock straps, one pair of underwear, and a pulley and belt system I got at Home Depot trying to get nuts to help me.  I cannot use these for my intended purposes:  1) to regain my balance and masculinity; 2) to go back to being a great pogo sticker; and 3) to meet a young woman who was like me, missing something but replaced,  perhaps she might have a vagina dentata made of bronze, and also likes walks on the beach, and cuddling in pizza restaurants.

To be clear, Amazon Prime Rib reader, this item is Not Good as a testicle prosthetic.   

Using the only rating system in the world in which the rating units look like testicles, I must that this item has NO Balls.  I give it Zero Bezos out of Five Bezos

 

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