Raincoat for Older Nudists
- It can be recycled
- Fashionable, waterproof, and environmental
Living in an apartment in Seattle had long been a dream of mine. It made no sense really, as I grew up in sunny and hot Tucson, the adopted daughter of two former priests, and was a sufferer of hereditary rickets, which requires lots of Vitamin D, which if you are not a scientist, you might not know, comes from the Sun.
And yet, I dreamed of the grimy, fish-filled odors of Seattle, the moist smells that hit you in the face when you embark on the Link Light Rail Train. I imagined tapping my foot to slightly outdated music and gulping the city's hot dirty water, which Seattleites refer to reverently as “coffee.”
But now, with the blessings of my two fathers, the Former Fathers as they were called by the other parents at my school, my dream has come true. I moved here, and one day hope to work at Amazon headquarters in customer service. But first, Art School!
However nothing is as perfect as our plans, and I found the apartment of my dreams was next door to an elderly couple that are nudists.
Not a problem, if they just stayed in their apartment. But of course in Seattle, that’s not the case! They would walk everywhere inside the complex with no clothing on, not a stitch, except for some moldy Birkenstocks! They rarely left the apartment buildings as they were tired of being arrested, and often ordered Mexican food through their still functioning Windows 95 computer, which they would then eat by the pool. I’ve seen them naked more than I’ve seen my boyfriend naked, which was only one time by accident when the lights popped on, because as my fathers taught me, sex that God doesn't like - premarital in my case - needs to be done in the dark where God or Santa can't see you. But I digress. The point is, my neighbors, Orthodox Naturists as they call themselves, have to be naked. It’s a like a religious requirement for them.
The apartment manager sets up a birthday party in the rec room for all tenants at the beginning of each month. So all Octobers celebrate beginning of October, Novembers in November. It's sad and silly at the same time; I know there is no English word for this combination of emotions, but I am hoping Korean or Urdu or some language has a word that describes what you feel at things like this. Usually small gifts are given like, snow globes or bundt cakes, but this year someone decided to bring something useful for the mature naked couple.
It was November, both of their birth months, Scorpios of course!, and the beginning of the Northwest's rainy season. Someone decided that it would be funny to give the nudists a transparent raincoat to keep their family jewels dry. The couple was surprised anyone had even noticed them (yes, their self-awareness was minimal) and delighted the gift was something they could use. It didn't violate the tenets of their naturist vow! They wore it everywhere. I mean everywhere, to the store, to the mall, to baseball games, even when it was not raining. It was like they were freed to join society again. Their reasoning was that they were technically not naked, which I guess is true, but you could still see everything, which made it clear they really didn't have a fashion sense.
One day, they didn’t come back to their apartment. They would leave in the morning, raincoats on, for most of the day and arrive back sometime around seven, usually stoned on legal weed. They didn’t come back the next day or the day after, my boyfriend and I were becoming worried. Could they have gotten lost, or kidnapped, or worse, killed?
After a week, they finally returned, draped in ugly blue blankets. They had been arrested for public intoxication, public nudity, assaulting an officer and resisting arrest! They hadn't had so much fun since they got kicked out of the Microsoft shareholders' meeting for protesting Microsoft Bob.
I found it that day they were multimillionaires from investing in Microsoft early on. This is what not having to work does to you, I guess. And now I'm their guardian. They pay me pretty well, and I got them to agree to a compromise: flesh colored tights when I have to meet with them.
Using the rating scale that honors one of the Seattle's greatest transplants, besides me, I give this product a 5 Bezos out of 5, because I am soon to be wealthy beyond my dreams when the Old Nudists die, as they left me all their Microsoft stock in their will.