A Dozen Farm Animals You Can Put in Your Mouth

A Dozen Farm Animals You Can Put in Your Mouth

I was put into the Feds' Witness Protection Program, not for a reason that was cool or scary.  I was a bookkeeper for [REDACTED], who turned out to be deep in with [REDACTED] a Eurotrash/Russian drug cartel.  I thought they were just selling ugly but trendy clothes.  It turns out they were selling Ecstasy and Cocaine and Heroin and other drugs that I don't even know what they do.  (They also have the pee sheets from Trump's hotel adventure.)

During my time in the WPP, as we call it,  they had me do a variety of jobs that they thought would best hide me, given my skills and looks. This included: zoo janitor, tour guide at birthplace of President Franklin Pierce, telemarketer for mortgage refinancing,  and finally, a kindergarten teacher.

When I got the job, the Principal, an officious woman who was constantly bandaged as she was getting lots of moles removed, none of which were cancerous, made sure I got all of her rules down: 1) Teach each subject until the kids are almost proficient. but not; 2)  Make the kids with peanut allergies feel bad about themselves; 3) They can't use their BB guns at recess. 

Standard stuff.  But after a few weeks, I felt these rules and a few others were beginning to weigh me down.

I wanted to do something with these bright young minds that would amaze the other teachers and the students’ parents.

I consider myself a movie buff; I majored in film studies before getting into bookkeeping. And given my cloistered life, movies are the one thing that I get any pleasure out of any more.  So I decided my 5 year olds would put on a play!  And for this play, I chose my favorite movie, The Godfather. It has everything: Action, Romance, pre-Apocalypse Now Marlon Brando and pre-winery Francis Ford Coppola. I knew that if these little shits could pull it off, this would be the event of the year at [REDACTED] Elementary School.

The kids were understandably excited at "getting to do a play!" Little did [REDACTED] know that I cast him as Fredo because he was an annoying tattle tale that the kids hated.  I had props from the theater class, but unfortunately, I was unable to get one of the key components that made the movie so great: the horse head that was in the bed.  You CANNOT put on The Godfather without the horse's head! 

I casually asked the Principal if she had any horses that she didn’t need and she said no.  Not wanting the parents to get too involved, because these helicopter ones are unbearable, I decided to hunt for horse heads at local slaughterhouses, and to my surprise, I found one, in mint condition!  (Is "mint" the right term for a decapitated head?)  I brought this amazing prop in for the little actors to show how real we were getting with our production and... they were horrified! One even cried, another puked, and then the stupid ones started poking it.  I realized that I had to throw the real horse head away. I kept on searching. After a few days I found what I needed, a dozen Farm Animal Suckers! They were perfect, not so real that the kids would freak out, but still, it resembled a horse.

I spent the rest of the semester working with them to make sure everything of our Godfather was perfect.   Finally, the day came and my little Corleones nailed it!  When the scene with the horse's head happened, the parents gasped!  That was  thanks to the horsey in these Farm Animal suckers.   Standing ovations, apple juice, and offers from the single moms to visit.  It was a huge success.   

It was like everything I had done my whole life and come together to create the perfect night.  

I didn't stay past that semester, which is okay, because I think I got one of those moms pregnant, and because I finally testified against [REDACTED]. Now I have a new name, new vocation, and new location.  

I give these Farm Animal suckers 5 out of 5 Bezos because unlike a real decaying horse's head, they don't smell like ass.



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