- 1 oz. tin of Mustache Wax
- maintains a strong hold
- does not include bike with giant front wheel
From a young age, I knew I was different. I knew way before the hair started popping up during puberty, which, by the way, started at age 10 thanks to the hormones in the chicken nuggets that I consumed with relish. (Both condiment and zeal.)
Yes, I am a sexy woman with attractive curves, but what I love to show off is my thick, luscious mustache and beard! You may have seen me at your local sideshow. I am Makenna, the Bearded Lady! My grandma, Jennifer the Bearded Grandma, is a very hairy lady, more than me. She's a damn poodle-bear. But she doesn't like to perform, only to be petted by rich old men who feed her treats.
Our hair's a genetic thing. I mean, we're Italian and Greek, but that only accounts for half of it. The women in my family have always had more than a normal amount of hair, with the exception of my mother. Poor woman. She was cursed with alopecia and now refuses to go out without a costume beard.
When I was in middle school I would be mistaken for a werewolf by little kids and Nicolas Cage. (He tried to buy me to put in a human zoo he was building.) In high school, boys thought I was gross, but I knew they were just jealous of my beard. The only time I felt self-conscious was because of my un-groomed look. I tried a perm... but that was even worse. I needed to be cool and sleek, just like my personality. Thank goodness I found Fisticuffs Strong Hold Mustache Wax! It's THE body-positive mustache wax.
While I did attend college as an accounting major, it wasn't until I went to a county fair that I found my true calling! I noticed a thin, flexible man lotioning up his hairless physique to get ready for his performance. I learned he was Payton, the Rubber Man, a talented contortionist. I admired his flexibility; he could bend and twist in ways I never thought a human being could, unless they were imitating a dog licking its butt like my stupid cousin, Garrett. But most of all I admired his pride! His Rubber Pride! He was proud to be different, just like I was!
After the show I spoke to him, and discovered, after a half-hour of making out, that I too could not only be proud to be different, but I could also make money being a Sideshow sensation! Immediately, I left the sacrosanct cubicles of accounting and hit the road!
Grooming and hold are very important for a performer like me, in the heat of a Midwest summer for example. I need to be looking great at all times. That's why I love Fisticuffs! It comes in a small tin, perfect for carrying in a purse!
Most lame-o ladies would probably prefer a bikini wax to mustache wax, but that’s basic white girl stuff. That and a Frappuccino will get you a date with a liquored-up Chad and a couple of morning-after pills. Fisticuffs Strong Hold Mustache Wax is what real women want! (Pssst! It works great on underarm hair too!)
After all, us gals can do anything a man can do, only better! And that includes growing a beard! Using the most hirsute rating scale on the internet, and parting it so I can see out from behind the bangs I must give this product the 5 out of 5 Bezos!