My neo-pagan tantra partner gave me this book for Samhain last year.
They knew my goal for this Wintertime had been to get myself in peak physical shape for Beltane. (Classic Traditude I know, but still, it's not called Bellytane.) It’s been a few years since I fit into my Green Man outfit for our local group hand-fasting ceremony. I know the rest of the coven doesn’t care about an middle-aged satyr like me, all of 38 years, but I wanted to prance around the Maypole in full glory, like I was 19 again.
Green Smoothie Magic isn’t like other grimoires or spellbooks in that it doesn’t have any well-worn, tried and true magick per se, which was an initial disappointment to me. But I was able to adjust my intent and work with it, when I saw how well it was written with clear, step-by-step instructions.
I lit my power candles and burned a clump of my hair in the center of the downstairs pentagram and began chanting the words of this book aloud. I soon saw that if I applied the principles of smoothing vegetables with my knowledge of herbs and tonics, I could replace the greens with mugwort and catnip, mix in dander of cow and finish with the sweat of mine enemy --the pouty emo twink who works the drive-thru at the Taco Bell by my office, who put some sort of spell on me to keep buying bean burritos from him even when I am not hungry... for bean burritos at least --- to create the ultimate Elixir of Life and Weight Loss Success.
And it worked! I shed the weight! My Green Man leotard looked great with my treeface headdress. Everything was abracadabra until Kevin, who’d been on probation from the Coven for dropping the ball on pyre duty two Sabbats in a row, showed up to the Beltane celebration anyway, ALSO dressed as Green Man, looking fitter than Cedric Diggory.
He looked GOOD. I mean, it's hard not to when you're 23 and work all day digging holes for fiber optic cables. But stiil, those abs, if they were on Jesus, would turn a Wiccan back into a Christian. Kevin made all the gender fluids become gender solids when he pranced by.
I talked to Kevin afterwards. I had to know, what was his secret? And this is true! - it was Green Smoothie Magic.
After performing a dowsing ritual to decide the perfect rating, I give this herbal spell book a three out of five Bezos. This is solely because of it does not provide enough substitutions of magickal herbs for green veggies.