Racist Swim Trunks!
- 100% Polyester. (Not Cotton, oddly enough.)
Hallo, I am Asbjørn and I came to the USA to study at University in Georgia (America, not Soviet) and gain cultural experiences that I wouldn’t get in my hometown of Flekkefjord, Norway. Flekkefjord is famous for many things (birthplace of world bridge champion Boye Brogeland), but not its diversity.
And while we have no shortage of fjords, we are not long on swimming beaches. We call them “freezing your ass off beaches.” My land is the opposite of where my fellow international student in biochemistry and good friend, Filmon came from, Eritrea. It is hot there. He would bathe in ocean, when he was not worried about being killed by Ethiopian Army. We laugh a lot because we study same thing, and have same body shape, same height, but very much different melanin amounts.
Filmon and I had been at college for only a couple of weeks, both recovering from diarrhea from eating cafeteria food when American students invited us for a day of swimming at a fancy beach. Having no swim trunks, we went to Amazon Dot Com and began our search for swim shorts. We wanted to fit in with the other students, not seem so strange, so we refined our search. We typed “swim + shorts + USA + south ” and discovered what we were certain was a very American design - red, white, and blue - and ordered.
Two days later, the shorts arrived. I put them in my bag along with some canned fish and some sweet kokosbolle. Filmon packed some tsebhi and taita. We got to the beach and the others went down to the water to find a good spot. Filmon and I changed into our new trunks, threw on our sunglasses, and prepared for our cool Hollywood movie-style slow-motion walk down to the beach. (Please note Mama: I put on SPF 500+ sun lotion.)
We walked out and immediately a family who drove Volvo (Swede Car) stared at us. Filmon and I waved and high-fived; we thought we were looking good. We walked further down the beach, more and more people looking at us, pointing at us. We did some dance moves. We were eating up all the attention! We finally made it to our friends. One friend, who is African American, became very angry and walked away, one other friend ran after him. We had no idea what was going on. We just wanted to have beer and throw frisbee!
Another friend, Jenni, who is nice, but clinical, she wants to be a physician’s assistant, explained. Our "cool" American swim trunks had a symbol of Confederate flag on them. For next two hours she was to teach us about the Civil War and that Confederacy wanted horrors of slavery to continue to Africans forever.
Filmon tore of the shorts and sat there in nude. So did I. Of course, I had to quickly put on the 500+ sun tan lotion all over my nether regions, and when I did, it appeared as though I was gni meg selv, you know onani. But I was too aghast to be aroused. To think this pair of swim trunks made it seem like I endorsed things like chewing tobacco, NASCAR and slavery! Gud hjelpe meg!
Filmon was ready to fight this Confederacy, after all, he served in military in Eritrea, but our friend said it was no longer here, just history. All that was left of it were people called "white supremacists" and "altered right."
Filmon was ready to fight these supremacists. I volunteered to help him fight. He said it would be much easier than fighting Ethiopians because the white supremacists did not look like Eritreans. They looked like me. And then Filmon started crying. He didn’t want to accidentally kill me. He said, “If only there was a way to spot white supremacists!”
Then we realized, maybe if we had a big sale on Confederate swim trunks, all the white supremacists would buy them, and we would know who they were! (But not really kill them, just talk and hope they mature as human beings one day, because Filmon and I just want to get good grades and have sex with a variety of other students.)
Our friends forgave us because of our ignorance. They also laughed at us because not only are Filmon and I same height and weight, but our fallos and testiklene look very the same.
One friend went to local shop and bought us new shorts, brand of Margaritaville, by an old singer called Jimmy Buffett. They explained he calms everyone down. He makes music that works like Valium. That was good as by then we all needed calming down.
So my review is - Do not buy these swimmers.
Using the Internationally Understandable Amazon Prime Rib Rating System, I give these shorts, 0 out of 5 Bezos.