An Ounce of Wax for your Fancy Mustache!

• 1 oz. tin of Mustache Wax
• maintains a strong hold
• does not include bike with giant front wheel

From a young age, I knew I was different. I knew way before the hair started popping up during puberty, which, by the way, started at age 10 thanks to the hormones in the chicken nuggets that I consumed with relish.  (Both  condiment and zeal.)

Yes, I am a sexy woman with attractive curves, but what I love to show off is my thick, luscious mustache and beard!   You may have seen me at your local sideshow.  I am Makenna, the Bearded Lady!   My grandma, Jennifer the Bearded Grandma, is a very hairy lady, more than me.  She's a damn poodle-bear. But she doesn't like to perform, only to be petted by rich old men who feed her treats. 

Our hair's a genetic thing. I mean, we're Italian and Greek, but that only accounts for half of it.   The women in my family have always had more than a normal amount of hair, with the exception of my mother.  Poor woman.  She was cursed with alopecia and now refuses to go out without a costume beard. 

When I was in middle school I would be mistaken for a werewolf by little kids and Nicolas Cage.  (He tried to buy me to put in a human zoo he was building.)   In high school, boys thought I was gross, but I knew they were just jealous of my beard.  The only time I felt self-conscious was because of my un-groomed look.  I tried a perm... but that was even worse.   I needed to be cool and sleek, just like my personality. Thank goodness I found Fisticuffs Strong Hold Mustache Wax! It's THE body-positive mustache wax. 

While I did attend college as an accounting major, it wasn't until I went to a county fair that I found my true calling!  I noticed a thin, flexible man lotioning up his hairless physique to get ready for his performance. I learned he was Payton, the Rubber Man, a talented contortionist.  I admired his flexibility; he could bend and twist in ways I never thought a human being could, unless they were imitating a dog licking its butt like my stupid cousin, Garrett. But most of all I admired his pride! His Rubber Pride! He was proud to be different, just like I was!

After the show I spoke to him, and discovered, after a half-hour of making out, that I too could not only be proud to be different, but I could also make money being a Sideshow sensation!  Immediately, I left the sacrosanct cubicles of accounting and hit the road!

Grooming and hold are very important for a performer like me, in the heat of a Midwest summer for example.  I need to be looking great at all times.  That's why I love Fisticuffs! It comes in a small tin, perfect for carrying in a purse! 

Most lame-o ladies would probably prefer a bikini wax to mustache wax, but that’s basic white girl stuff. That and a Frappuccino will get you a date with a liquored-up Chad and a couple of morning-after pills.  Fisticuffs Strong Hold Mustache Wax is what real women want!  (Pssst! It works great on underarm hair too!)

After all, us gals can do anything a man can do, only better! And that includes growing a beard!   Using the most hirsute rating scale on the internet, and parting it so I can see out from behind the bangs I must give this product the 5 out of 5 Bezos!