1000 Disposable Vinyl Gloves on the Wall, 1000 Disposable Vinyl Gloves...

• Ambidextrous (which means it fits right or left hand, punk)
• Rolled cuff for quick on and fast removal (for Dexter wannabes)

Not to get too over the top here, gentlemen and ladies, but these disposable vinyl gloves are fine. Just fine. I’m the top chef, a.k.a. head lunch lady, at a middle school cafeteria that shall remain nameless in Sheboygan. I am a busy successful woman, with a prominent jaw, so I don’t have time to be running to the store to buy more vinyl gloves. And I’ll be damned if our worthless toad of a prinicipal is going to do anything to help. FYI - I am accident free for 1,247 days.

37 years of school cafeteria experience with only one major incident involving the slicing machines and an ex-lover have taught me some things:

• Powder your knuckles three times a day
• Avoid latex as kids these days lack constitution
• No matter what,  DO NOT LOOK AWAY from the kids. Stare at them like a mongoose. They can sense weakness and will pick their moment to strike

For these reasons, I need a strong, flexible glove that is allergen-free and in bulk quantity. Don’t even suggest that 100 gloves is gonna get me through a month!

Now here’s an added tip for you working moms, or sex workers, or concert pianists for some at-home self-care: After a long day of dealing with dino-nuggets, I grab a fresh pair of these honeys and bring ‘em home with me. Then after watching a rerun of WKRP in Cincinnati and three complex Sudoku puzzles, but before bed, I like to cover my hands with Vaseline and sleep with the gloves on. Haven’t had a cold in 39 years and my hands look like a young Angie Dickinson.

The Safety Zone, the seller of these gloves on Amazon, is a fine company of fine individuals. At least that is what I imagine they are. No drunks or perverts there. (Not like that high school music teacher on the west side of town.) When I snap one of these bad boys around my wrist, I feel like The Safety Zone knows, just like the children know they’ve entered The Trough and Lunchroom Mama’s in charge. I WILL not tolerate nonsense and I imagine neither will The Safety Zone.

Using the rating system that this whack job of a website, Amazon Prime Rib makes me use, with this yellow Peeps head of Jeff Bezos for stars, I give these gloves three out of five heads, because that is medium, and I like my steaks and burgers medium, that is my way. And that is the best way, no matter what that loser that I met on Tinder thinks. Who is the Lunch Lady and who is retired and just sells stuff he finds at garage sales on eBay?!