Giant Smoked Meat Sticks Delivered to Your Doomsday Bunker!

• Slim Jim Giant Smoked Meat Sticks satisfy beefiest appetites
• Each stick'smouthwatering habanero sates gigantic cravings

Today I saw sunshine again. Painful, painful sunshine.

I was blinded for a moment as I slammed shut the door above me. After I regained my sight I made my way back down to my doomsday preppy bunker and opened my latest delivery of 24 - that's two dozen! - Giant Habanero Slim Jims - my Meat Stick of choice. All other Meat Sticks pale in comparison!

To be clear: I would not be alive without my Amazon subscription to my Spicy Spicy Spicy Thin James Meat Sticks!

It's an indisputable fact that those damn aliens are coming back for me, and possibly you-- soon. Screw the shrinks that my mother dragged me to; my last alien abduction was NOT part of another schizophrenic breakdown! I have been on three different ships. MOM!!! Three! All different!

The last one was very much the fanciest - it was the Mercedes Benz of spaceships. And the way they removed my sperm to make hybrids, very high-end! Probably the first time I can say it was almost a pleasurable experience. Not like the first time, which was more like a broken-down ten year old minivan of a spaceship. (Think Pepperidge Farm goldfish in the seat cracks... whatever the alien version of those cheesy swimmers is.) I mean, what kind of alien race travels the galaxy in a crap ship like that?! No wonder that group's dying out. But still no matter how fancy this new race's spaceship is, after a night of helping save their race, I am whipped.

Full disclosure - I also quit taking all of those so-called medications those cranks prescribed. If I wanted to be exhausted and feel nothing all day, I can watch cable news, I don't need Lithobid.

I have to stay prepared for the return of this race of luxury aliens - they are very needy as they are on the verge of extinction. I guess word got out amongst the extraterrestrial races about how potent my DNA is, and now a week doesn't go buy without some sexy, grey-skinned, large-eyed scientist with no emotion filling up a bunch of test tubes with my "lust gusts."

For a while, I lived with a group of folks who, like me, know the alien invasion is soon to come, when the governments collapse, per the secret cabal's plan, and the initiation of One World Order. I call them Preppies, because they all dress the same and they are totally prepped for the Apocalypse, which from what I can tell, is somehow related to the Second Amendment and when Israel blows up Palestine and starts a World War III which makes Jesus appear and sing country music.

The Preppies didn't like that I ate so much of their stuff when I was stocking the enclave's food. They also didn't like how I would order Amazon Prime to our ranch rather than buying them from the store. I guess the ranch was supposed to be a "secret from the government." I told them that it's the aliens we need to hide from! They want to move onto this planet and have us be their slaves!

Now that the ET's know my DNA works with theirs fabulously, these needy aliens will soon arrive in Droves, that is what a group of them is called, a Drove, in case you didn't know, a Drove of Aliens, and they will begin looking for mates. I can't let them take me as it would be like I was mating with my children. What am I? A Greek God?!

This time I will be hidden safely in my emergency bunker, previously known as my mother's basement. Amazon's subscription service delivers all of the supplies I need so I can hide out for months during the upcoming alien invasion. I have everything that I need to keep my doomsday preppy shelter fully stocked without having to leave.

These Slim Jim Giant Habanero Meat Sticks provide me enough protein to stay focused and energized so I can outsmart those extraterrestrials. I know the aliens hate the smell of habanero because during my last abduction I waved it around the ship, and they were pinching their nose holes. Then I burped it up and they ran out of the tube room.

I receive monthly deliveries of other necessities from Amazon Subscription service too: adult diapers, large Tupperware totes (to store the used diapers), energy drinks, manga, contact lenses, and Japanese Kit Kats.

I know it won't be long now until the aliens are here for us. I heard our president was starting a Space Force. Although Amazon's Drones (Drones are what a group of Amazon employees are called), along with the rest of humanity will soon be potential alien abductees, I appreciate my survival right now being made possible by their handy-dandy Slim Jim subscription service.

Using the spiciest rating system on the Internet, I will have to rate this food product four out of five Bezos.