An Ounce of Wax for your Fancy Mustache!
An Ounce of Wax for your Fancy Mustache!
An Ounce of Wax for your Fancy Mustache!

An Ounce of Wax for your Fancy Mustache!

  • 1 oz. tin of Mustache Wax
  • maintains a strong hold
  • does not include bike with giant front wheel
From a young age, I knew I was different. I knew way before the hair started popping up during puberty, which, by the way, started at age 10 thanks to the hormones in the chicken nuggets that I consumed with relish.  (Both  condiment and zeal.)

Yes, I am a sexy woman with attractive curves, but what I love to show off is my thick, luscious mustache and beard!   You may have seen me at your local sideshow.  I am Makenna, the Bearded Lady!   My grandma, Jennifer the Bearded Grandma, is a very hairy lady, more than me.  She's a damn poodle-bear. But she doesn't like to perform, only to be petted by rich old men who feed her treats. 

Our hair's a genetic thing. I mean, we're Italian and Greek, but that only accounts for half of it.   The women in my family have always had more than a normal amount of hair, with the exception of my mother.  Poor woman.  She was cursed with alopecia and now refuses to go out without a costume beard. 

When I was in middle school I would be mistaken for a werewolf by little kids and Nicolas Cage.  (He tried to buy me to put in a human zoo he was building.)   In high school, boys thought I was gross, but I knew they were just jealous of my beard.  The only time I felt self-conscious was because of my un-groomed look.  I tried a perm... but that was even worse.   I needed to be cool and sleek, just like my personality. Thank goodness I found Fisticuffs Strong Hold Mustache Wax! It's THE body-positive mustache wax. 

While I did attend college as an accounting major, it wasn't until I went to a county fair that I found my true calling!  I noticed a thin, flexible man lotioning up his hairless physique to get ready for his performance. I learned he was Payton, the Rubber Man, a talented contortionist.  I admired his flexibility; he could bend and twist in ways I never thought a human being could, unless they were imitating a dog licking its butt like my stupid cousin, Garrett. But most of all I admired his pride! His Rubber Pride! He was proud to be different, just like I was!

After the show I spoke to him, and discovered, after a half-hour of making out, that I too could not only be proud to be different, but I could also make money being a Sideshow sensation!  Immediately, I left the sacrosanct cubicles of accounting and hit the road!

Grooming and hold are very important for a performer like me, in the heat of a Midwest summer for example.  I need to be looking great at all times.  That's why I love Fisticuffs! It comes in a small tin, perfect for carrying in a purse! 

Most lame-o ladies would probably prefer a bikini wax to mustache wax, but that’s basic white girl stuff. That and a Frappuccino will get you a date with a liquored-up Chad and a couple of morning-after pills.  Fisticuffs Strong Hold Mustache Wax is what real women want!  (Pssst! It works great on underarm hair too!)

After all, us gals can do anything a man can do, only better! And that includes growing a beard!   Using the most hirsute rating scale on the internet, and parting it so I can see out from behind the bangs I must give this product the 5 out of 5 Bezos!  

Regular price $9.99 Sale