Halo Vegan Dry Dog Food - A Mouth Watering 3.5 lb Bag
- Full of pure plant protein from lower glycemic peas and chickpeas
- No Rice! non-GMO vegetables and fruits, and nourishing oils
I’m not a vegan. I’m not even a vegetarian. In fact, until recently I was on a Deep Paleo diet where I only eat meat from animals like Ostriches and Bison, and only cooked to 125 degrees. It makes me feel strong, like a Neanderthal, as well as keeping my iron in check.
I got Tucker to be my hunting dog for bow season. I am no NRA pussy. I hunt with a bow and arrow. I don't wear camo; I smear myself in feces. Sometimes I even smear myself with Tucker's!
About two weeks ago, before hunting season, Tucky Boy and I laid there in my cot next to each other, looking up at the ceiling fan, me talking to him about how great bow season was going to be. He's a young dog and had not been on a hunt yet.
I told him about the early morning, dew on the grass, the rush of adrenaline when you see the animal you will soon kill, the thrill of releasing the arrow, about how much he would be helping. I looked at him and in a blissful state, said, “Tuck, I wish you could live forever. We could be best friends until the end of time.”
He cocked his head to the side, opened his mouth with his tongue hanging out, his tail wagging and said, “Dude!”
Gobsmacked. I stopped my reverie. “Buddy?!” I said, “Did you just talk to me?!”
He nodded. “Yeah, I did. Weird, huh? Us dogs hold this skill back usually. But enough's enough. I just need to let you know that I don’t believe in hurting or even eating other animals. Especially as some humans eat dogs! I’m what you call a vegan. We call it ‘woof-ruff-arf-mlerm’, but please, I can't. Stop it. Don’t make me help you hunt animals.”
I looked at him in disbelief. “You can talk?”
He sighed. “Yes. Most of us. Except chihuahuas. That's why they're so barky. But God knew they couldn't keep a secret, so he didn't give them the ability. Now back to this bloodlust of yours. Didn’t you notice that I don’t chase rabbits, they chase me? And your last girlfriend, the one who would say all cutesy, ‘Nama-STAY,’ and feed me carrots: she was my favorite. I’d lick her feet and bring her granola snacks. But “Burger King Sharon”: I would always lie down by her and fart. She didn’t have a single pair of matching socks; that was because of me.
And the monthly donations from your PayPal account to PETA, that you couldn't figure out how that happened? Me!”
After spending the next hour determining that I wasn't tripping balls, or delirious from food poisoning, I finally accepted that my dog was a vegan!
But how do you take care of a vegan dog?
How do I make sure that Tucker is getting everything he needs so that his coat stays shiny, so he has lots of energy and his stomach can handle it? I mean, dogs came from wolves; they are hunters! Some vomit up their food and eat it twice! Some eat feces! But Tucker was adamant that he was a vegan.
So he was thrilled when I brought home this Garden of Vegan Dry Dog Food! I mean, what the hell is with that near-pun Halo? "Garden of Vegan!" Holy Dropkick to the balls, that's painful! It better taste good!
Well, relax! It does. Tucker was so pumped he went right into downward dog position and promptly made himself a vegan smoothie. I tried some, and I got to say, not bad.
And while I am still a carnivore -- it's in my genes-- I have learned how to eat green beans with my steak, so Tucker is happy. I hate to admit it, but he's even got me pointing my arrows at a few other things besides animals. Yesterday I shot several casaba melons at the farmer's market. And one of those blow up Santas that people have on the lawn. And even a target. Well a lighted sign outside of a Target. But it was cool how it shattered, and how the glass all fell down on the parking lot.
Using what I consider to be the most loyal of all rating systems, the Bezos Scale of Amazon Prime Rib, I am giving this fine VEGAN dog food, 4 out of 5 Bezos. It's tasty, makes a good smoothie, and best of all, it keeps my beloved Tuck-Tuck happy. It's only the Garden of Vegan name that brings it down one Bezos. Even Tucker concurs. He says bad puns hurt his ears. And we know how sensitive dogs' ears are!