Wizard Needs Food Badly... Unstained T Shirt

Stop! Wizard Time.

I must be clear that I am a HUGE fan of the “Needs Food Badly” T-Shirt Series.  The T-Shirt Series. Yes!  I own the “Wizard Needs Food Badly” style in each color.

Let me start over.  My name is Svaun and like you, the Wizard reading this, I am a huge fan of tabletop gaming.  If you need to find me online, it's @DragonCleric78, but I won't reply because you just don't get it and I am tired of explaining it. 

The cotton and/or polyester fabric is strong and wicks, it wicks, it wicks. Like you, I over-perspire in situations where I find myself feeling socially awkward, and I need a shirt capable of absorbing enough sweat that I could preserve my battle robes without having to wash them after every meeting of the Elmwood Park LARP Group.  (One of this area's top three LARP squads.)  And this shirt absorbs.

As a semi-pro Dungeon Master, I like to keep extra of these on hand for the players in my game to wear.  I can’t be bothered to remember their given names, so the color-coding helps me.  I like to just look at their shirt and know “Warrior” or “Half-Elf Rogue” so I can send them all to their impending death by Mind Flayer with ease. Heh heh heh.  They are just pawns to the perfect 20 roll that my life is.

Like you Fellow Mage, I eat regularly at the trough known as Chipotle, but a recent quest I took there, wearing this shirt, had a special "charm" to it.  I ordered my signature extra-everything burrito and when I did my usual add-on, “Actually, I would also like…” the fair maiden behind the counter quipped, “Chips and Guac?” “M’lady” I responded and gave her a flourish with my hand.

When I sat down to conquer the feast, I noticed upon the receipt that the fair maiden was no fair maiden at all, but a cunning rogue-elf who had given me the chips and guac for free, subverting the status quo of the evil corporate Warlock overlords who would control us all with their evil money magic.

Like you, I cannot but lust after a rogue-elf in a fast food uniform.  So cunning, and also so delightful smelling of delicious sauces.   Perhaps next time I shall inquire whether she would like to join my RPG.  God knows we could use some new faces in the Dungeon. My current buffoons are hardly worth the dice they throw. They wouldn’t recognize true greatness if it rolled a 20 right on their faces!  Hah! I provided you with a clever quip!

What is it about this shirt?  I don’t know, but when I wear it, I feel +2 charisma, +2 wisdom and +2 modifier to ability rolls. Is it the mysterious shapes on the front? Is it the snug fit? Maybe it is how it signals to my Mother how hangry I am after a long day of rolling the dice.

Using the rating scale of Jeffrey Bezos, one that is based on his merchant power, I give this a 5 Bezos out of 5, because anything I approve of is definitely the best.